Mommy Issues: Lesbian Moms and Adoption in Michigan
(Crystal A. Proxmire, orig. Between the Lines, May 9, 2013)
In a state like Michigan, which fails to treat families fairly, Mothers’ Day can be a hard reminder that some mothers are considered legal strangers to the children they love and are raising. The push to legalize second-parent adoption continues in Michigan, with a pending court case recently taking center stage nationally.
Hazel Park couple Jayne Rowse and April DeBoer have sued Oakland County and the State of Michigan to allow them to adopt each other’s children. On March 7, U.S. District Judge Bernard Friedman put his decision on hold until after the U.S. Supreme Court rules on two same-sex marriage cases that are before it. Those decisions are expected to happen at the end of June and then Friedman is expected to issue his ruling. Friedman succeeded in having the couple expand their original adoption-centric lawsuit to include a challenge to the anti-gay marriage amendment currently in the state constitution, after Proposal 2 passed in 2004.
“Children in same-sex households are harmed because they don’t have the protections afforded other families,” said the Hazel Park family’s lawyer Carole Stanyar to Judge Friedman. “A mother is a legal stranger to her children.”
Currently in same-gender couples, only one parent may adopt, leaving the other parent with no legal tie to their child. This is problematic in many situations including custody if something were to happen to the legal parent; the ability to make medical decisions for the child; the ability to provide insurance for the child and relationships with the child’s school.
In at least 20 states children can be adopted by two parents, regardless of the parents’ gender. Yet across the country there are still approximately two million children being raised by LGBT people who do not have legal parental rights.
Despite the risks of being an unrecognized parent in Michigan, many continue to forge ahead creating their own families. Fortunately there are support groups that can help lesbian mothers and other foster/adoptive parents find their way through challenges. Two of these groups include the http://www.facebook.com/groups/112375997645 Ferndale Adoption Network and the http://www.lmnetwork.org Lesbian Moms Network in Ann Arbor.
Ferndale Adoption Network
Julia Music is one of the founders and organizers of the Ferndale Adoption Network (FAN). She and around 80 parents connect through the group’s Facebook page and through in-person activities. Music is a single adoptive mom who is bisexual, a group she says is often ignored, but is completely “Ferndale normal.”
“I know with the whole marriage thing, single people are kind of being pushed out of the press right now, but there are all kinds of families,” she said. FAN has single parents, same-sex parents, heterosexual parents, mixed race families, and foster parents – all with the common bond of loving children that came from beyond themselves.
“We provide resources online for people who are looking for information about adoption. We also post upcoming adoption events. We connect to make things like life books, which are books about stories of the child’s birth mother, all the way up to living with their adoptive families, sometimes beyond.
“We also have parties. Sometimes they have themes. Recently we did a Chinese New Year party which was awesome because the families that adopted children from China put in a big effort to have a lot of cultural pieces at the party. Parties are a great way for kids to know other adopted kids, plus the parents get to talk about all sorts of issues,” Music said.
Helping each other through Mother’s Day is another of the many tasks FAN members take on. “When I was having sad feelings about Mothers’ Day because I was thinking about Quinn’s birth mom, I posted a question about it and the replies back ranged a lot from all the different people who participated. Some of the moms had the same feelings that I did and it was nice to find a group of people who could really relate to what I was going through.”
Lesbian Moms Network
Lesbian Moms Network in Ann Arbor provides support for biological moms and their partners as well as couples who have adopted.
Shawanda and Janet Nichols were legally married in California five years ago. They moved from Arizona to Michigan four years ago to live in Saline, and they now have two children; four year old Jack and nine month old Finn. They found out about LMN online and connected with the group before even finalizing their moving plans.
“We were Googling stuff when we were still living in Arizona and that was one of the things we really found nice about Ann Arbor. That network is what really drew us here. We wanted that sense of community and meeting other families like ours. A lot of places are really open and friendly in this area,” Shawanda said.
The Nichols’ family has attended picnics and other events. “If we weren’t a part of this group I wouldn’t be as connected to this community,” Shawanda said. “It’s good for other moms to join so they can get into playgroups and be connected. If there is an article that comes out we pass that along. We share that information.
“One thing we do is every Christmas we do presents for families who are struggling or having trouble with the economy. We come together and wrap presents and the board will deliver presents to families in need.
“If somebody has a baby we sign up for different days and we bring meals to them each day so they don’t have to cook. It’s a sense of security that if we needed something there’s a good resource of people who will help.”
The children know both women as their mother, but only Janet has legal parental rights.
One consequence of not being a legal parent is that when a child gets hurt, the unrecognized parent is unable to make decisions for that child’s care. “The only time it’s come up so far is when Jack was at the library and he had busted his lip. I had to go pick up Janet on the way to the hospital because a legal parent had to be there and it’s her insurance.”
Shawanda said that so far daycare centers have been understanding of their situation, but she worries what will happen when the boys are school age. Then again only Janet will have legal standing as a parent.
The worries are in the back of Shawanda’s mind. “What if something happened to Janet? Could I be part of my children’s lives? I try to not think of things as much. It’s frustrating not to be on the birth certificate, that piece of paper would be nice.”
Recently the couple took a trip back to Arizona. “Driving through Iowa we were like ‘Oh we’re in Iowa so we’re married,’ then we’d get to the next state and say ‘Oh, now we’re not married.’ It’s just silly. It will be nice when all that is behind us.”
Find more online:
Ferndale Adoption Network: http://www.facebook.com/groups/112375997645
Lesbian Moms Network: http://www.lmnetwork.org